Sorry it's been quite a while since I've posted anything. I have been so busy lately with Christmas approaching. Cody and I took a winter vacation to Park City, Utah approximately 2 weeks ago and we had a blast. Of course coming back and getting my house back in order, shopping for Christmas gifts, and baking like a crazy woman have taken up my time. Doing this in addition to having a 10 month old little girl at your side 24/7...well, it keeps me on my toes.
I received some wonderful feedback about my testimony from some of you who have read this blog. Thank you for the encouragement. Time does heal the wound, but it's funny how I will still tear up unexpectedly when I talk about Brooke.
I try to get into God's Word as much as I can. I, like a lot of people, get distracted very easily and always feel "busy." Some days it really takes a lot for me to just set it all aside, ask God to guard my heart from distractions, and really take a look at His word. I personally really enjoy the book of Psalms and most of Pauls's letters in the New Testament when I am looking for encouragement. Job is the book I go to in times of suffering. Proverbs when I'm searching for wisdom. I love the first 4 books of the gospel because as nerdy as this sounds, I love the words written in red. I know all scripture is God breathed, but I love hearing the exact words of Christ.
However, being a history buff, I love to go through the Old Testament. The history of the Jewish people is so amazing. To read about the patriarchs is pretty cool. I must be honest and admit I could skip a few of the books that focus completely on the Law. Seriously, I am so thankful for Christ's redeeming blood after reading the Law. There is NO WAY I could have kept up with that, plus having to kill all those animals for sacrifices...I know I couldn't have done that.
I am currently in 1 Kings. I'm past Saul, David (my favorite) and Solomon, and I'm now reading about some of the lesser known kings. I have read the Bible in chronological order, so none of this is completely new to me, but it truly amazes me how God's word can be so new everytime I read it.
Anyways, I was reading about Rehoboam (Solomon's son) and Jeroboam, the man who God told he would give Israel to (except for one tribe to honor David) because Solomon didn't follow the Lord with all his heart like his father David had done. To make a long story short, the tribes of Israel anoint Jeroboam their king and break away from the kingdom of Rehoboam, in accordance with what God told Jeroboam would happen. This is what God said to Jeroboam:
"However, as for you, I will take you, and you will rule over all that your heart desires; you will be king over Israel. IF YOU DO WHATEVER I COMMAND YOU AND WALK IN MY WAYS AND DO WHAT IS RIGHT IN MY EYES BY KEEPING MY STATUTES AND COMMANDS...I WILL BE WITH YOU. I WILL BUILD YOU A DYNASTY AS ENDURING AS THE ONE I BUILT FOR DAVID..." (1 KINGS 11:37-38).
Now, that sounds like a pretty good promise to me. If I heard God say that, I would hope that I would be very careful to follow his ways. But look at what Jeroboam does in the following chapter:
1 Kings 12:26-28 says: "Jeroboam thought to himself, 'The kingdom will now likely revert to house of David. If these people go up to offer sacrifices at the temple of the Lord in Jerusalem, they will again give their allegiance to their lord, Rehoboam king of Judah. They will kill me and return to King Rehoboam.' After seeking advice, the king made two golden calves."
Ok, so if you're like me, you are reading this and thinking, what a dummy! Did he not hear God promise Him that he would have an enduring dynasty? How can he be so dumb. Poor Jeroboam. He should have read the whole Old Testament.
So what's the point? What did I get from my reading that day? I can say that I can identify with Jeroboam. And I think if anyone is honest with himself, I think we all do. I can truly say I have heard God speak to me. It doesn't happen all the time, and it's not on my timing. But I do hear that still small voice. It takes over my mind so that I can not hear anything but that Voice. I have seen God answer my prayers. And yet, I, like Jeroboam, doubt his promises in the face of fear.
If you read that passage about Jeroboam's thought to himself, you can clearly see his motivation was fear. Fear allowed him to completely disregard the promise God gave him and turn to his own remedy. Cody was watching Star Wars today and Yoda made a comment about how fear leads to the dark side. That couldn't be a more accurate statement.
We live in a scary world. If I didn't have Christ, I don't know if I would ever leave the house, seriously, life can scare me that much. Reading that passage the other day was a reminder to me that I need to continue to have faith in God's plan for my life and how important it is for me to continute to find that quiet time to read His word because I never know when he's going to remind me of something so vital to my spiritual health. I can rest in His peace, His strength, in His comforting arms.
I haven't read the entire book for my life, but I know the Author. I know that He doesn't have an ounce of evil in his being. That He is Holy and always wants what's best for me. I must continue to have faith in Him, even when I am scared of my unknown future.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what is not seen." Hebrews 11:1
And a reminder of the character of the one who instills that ugly fear:
"He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar, the father of all lies." John 8:44
By the way, that last verse was written in red. :)
I really felt renewed after that day. It helped me make some personal decisions I've been thinking about, some dealing with the present and some for the future. I'm not perfect, but I'm so thankful that God continues to encourage me.
Sorry this was so long. I may not write often, but when I do write, I sure do have a lot to say. I hope you all have a Merry Christmas!
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Where Am I Coming From?
I've always read about how important it is to put your "testimony" together. To be ready to share it with anyone at any given moment. I guess I've never really put it together, but I think it's important to share where I'm coming from so that you can get a better glimpse into who I am and why I believe what I believe.
I can tell you that I was raised in a Christian home. We attended church, but I have to admit I didn't really have a relationship with Christ. More like religion. By the time I became a teenager, I had decided that I wanted Christ in my life, but only when it was convenient and I definitely didn't want him to be Lord of my life. Those hard core Christians were so judgemental and they just didn't fit in. They were so not cool. I was into me, me, and more me.
It's strange reflecting on this subject and this time in my life. I have linked this blog to my Facebook account and I have to admit that everytime someone from high school asks to be my "friend", I think they're going to be in for a shock when they see my profile. I am definitely not the same girl I was at 16. I guess in all fairness I would hope that most of us aren't the same people we were at that age, but just the same, it's a little weird.
Anyways, I met my husband Cody when I was 19. We were set up on a blind date, and 3 years later we were married. Yes, I got married shortly before turning 22. We had our life planned out. We both had very nice jobs and a comfortable income. We payed down debt (student loans) and were planning to start our family in a couple of years. Cody bought a piece of property a year before and we planned to eventually build our home on it. We attended church, and while I outwardly stated that Christ was my Lord, in my heart, He was not.
3 months after our marriage we found out that I was pregnant. I was switching insurance plans and was off of the Pill for one month. I figured I had been on it so long that it would take awhile to get out of my system. Wrong. This was not a part of our plan, and while we were both initially shocked, the idea of becoming parents grew on us and we were so excited to find out that we were expecting a little girl.
My pregnancy was very normal. I did eat everything in sight and having an August due date made me swell up like a balloon, haha. I remember my due date very clearly. I was in the exam room and the doctor came in to check her heartbeat. As he found it I saw a funny expression on his face. I asked him what the rate was and if it was OK and he said "Yes, it's fine. I just don't like where I found it." Yes, our daughter was breech. This devastated me. I DID NOT want a c-section and after an ultrasound confirmed it, I broke down into tears. My mom was with me and assured me that it would be OK. I distinctly remember the doc asking me if I wanted to schedule it for the 10th, or wait until the 13th since he would be out of town that weekend. I decided to wait until Monday the 13th. And so I walked out of the doctor's office, calling Cody and bursting into tears as I told him I would be having her the following week...by c-section.
Saturday, August 11 started out strange. Nothing really out of the ordinary. Cody was mowing the lawn. I got to sleep in. But something wasn't right. My baby was too sleepy. In fact she was silent. No movement. I figured she was just tired, but after eating many things to try to stimulate her and still no movement, I became worried. I guess it's that mothers instinct. I knew something was wrong, but I wanted to live in denial. I will cut to the chase as writing about this is still very hard for me. I often forget how raw that hurt still is.
We went to labor and delivery and after not being able to find fetal heart tones on the monitors, our worst nightmare was confirmed by ultrasound. I still remember looking away from the ultrasound machine because I didn't want to see what I knew I was going to see. I remember the on-call doctor standing there and asking the tech, "Demise?" and the tech slowly nodded his head. I can tell you I was screaming louder than any woman on that labor and delivery floor. I was in shock. Nobody tells you that in 2007, you would carry your baby full term and lose her.
Cody was left to make the horrible phone calls to our family. I still remember calling my mom and just blurting out, "Mom, Brooke died." They put me in a labor room to give me time. Eventually they asked me how I wanted to deliver...continue with the planned c-section, or attempt an induced vaginal delivery. I was scared and I didn't want to see my daughter. If I saw her it would be real and I didn't want to deal with that. I chose a c-section...there was no talking me out of it (a decision I completely regret now). The doctor informed me that he had another patient he had to attend to and since there was no threat to me or my baby (obviously), the c-section would take place later that evening.
It's strange. In the midst of all of that activity, there was a peace that overwhelmed me. I had not been given any "drugs" yet, so I know that the next thing that happened did happen. The room was full of family and friends. I remember nurses talking to them...lots of crying, chattering. And there I was in my bed. I was looking out the window onto the lawn. There was a bunny hopping across the lawn. I was looking at those I loved in my room, and suddenly their voices were drowned out. The only voice I heard was, "BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD. I AM WITH YOU."
Brooke Mikayla Sandoval arrived at 8:24 PM on August 11, 2007. She was 6 lbs 3 oz, 19 in long. Even though she was silent, she was the most peaceful and beautiful little girl I had seen. I held her for 5 hours...not enough time. Call it morbid. I would think so. But that was my child. And I loved her...I still do.
Over the next couple of days my friends and family can tell you that there was a peace to me. I continued to hear the voice I heard in my delivery room. "I AM GOD. I AM WITH YOU." Looking back at my pregnancy, I can tell you that from the moment I found out I was pregnant with Brooke, I had a feeling that I was not going to bring her home. Not just a paranoid feeling. It was a deep feeling. I didn't wash any of her clothing I received at the baby shower. I didn't want to decorate a nursery for her. It was strange...
That was hands down the hardest experience I have ever been through. It was an absolute nightmare. But I am thankful for it. How can I say that? Because during a time when I wanted to crawl into a corner and die, God spoke to me. He promised me plans "for a hope and future." (Jer 29:11). He gave me Psalm 139 that showed me that he knew my inmost being...that he created me...and at the time, even more so that he created Brooke and that "all of my days ordained for me were written in your (His) book before one of them came to be." Talk about helping me overcome my guilt about not having her delivered on the 10th.
Two months later we moved to Arizona. Being in that house in California was too painful for me. It was hard to pick up and move from those I loved, but it was necessary. My marriage was strengthened, and each day I leaned on God. I was expectant. I wanted to hear from Him. I had found something I had never had before. Some of the bad habits I had prior to this experience disappeared in a flash. I was so excited to read His Word and find out what He had in store for me.
People ask me if I could go back and change that situation, would I? I can honestly answer "No." Oh it was hard. I'm not going to gloss over that. I will freely admit that I still have times when I cry in bed at night thinking about her and what I missed...especially since we have since had another little girl, Payslie. Most of her outfits were received at Brooke's baby shower, as were many of her toys. There are 3 little lambs she has...all were Brooke's originally. I try to ease the pain by rationalizing that they would have all been "hand me downs" anyways. It does really help.
But going back to my point. No, I wouldn't trade it. I grew. I have something now that I never had before. Am I perfect on my own? No. Do I make mistakes? Yes. Can I earn my salvation? No. Was God punishing me for my behavior in years before? No. I saw that God had a relationship with me even when I didn't want one with Him. I discovered that He had always been with me, even when I was walking the opposite way. I took tremendous comfort in knowing that Brooke never knows pain. A friend gave us a hand drawn portrait of Brooke in the arms of Jesus. It's absolutely beautiful and I have it hanging in our room. I don't think she knows how comforting that was. I know where she is, and I know where I'm going.
I'm not sure of the path I would be on had that not happened. It hurt, and at times (like when I write it out again), it still is. But I truly believe that God does work all things to come together for good (Romans 8:28). As time went on, I was able to move on. I made the choice to follow Him every day. I knew my life still had meaning. I was able to find a lot of joy in my life, and especially now I am so glad that I didn't crawl into a corner and die.
I don't have all the answers, but I know the One who does. It's not for me to know all of them. He is God and I am His. But I did find out that God does speak to me and when I open up my heart, I can hear from Him.
I can tell you that I was raised in a Christian home. We attended church, but I have to admit I didn't really have a relationship with Christ. More like religion. By the time I became a teenager, I had decided that I wanted Christ in my life, but only when it was convenient and I definitely didn't want him to be Lord of my life. Those hard core Christians were so judgemental and they just didn't fit in. They were so not cool. I was into me, me, and more me.
It's strange reflecting on this subject and this time in my life. I have linked this blog to my Facebook account and I have to admit that everytime someone from high school asks to be my "friend", I think they're going to be in for a shock when they see my profile. I am definitely not the same girl I was at 16. I guess in all fairness I would hope that most of us aren't the same people we were at that age, but just the same, it's a little weird.
Anyways, I met my husband Cody when I was 19. We were set up on a blind date, and 3 years later we were married. Yes, I got married shortly before turning 22. We had our life planned out. We both had very nice jobs and a comfortable income. We payed down debt (student loans) and were planning to start our family in a couple of years. Cody bought a piece of property a year before and we planned to eventually build our home on it. We attended church, and while I outwardly stated that Christ was my Lord, in my heart, He was not.
3 months after our marriage we found out that I was pregnant. I was switching insurance plans and was off of the Pill for one month. I figured I had been on it so long that it would take awhile to get out of my system. Wrong. This was not a part of our plan, and while we were both initially shocked, the idea of becoming parents grew on us and we were so excited to find out that we were expecting a little girl.
My pregnancy was very normal. I did eat everything in sight and having an August due date made me swell up like a balloon, haha. I remember my due date very clearly. I was in the exam room and the doctor came in to check her heartbeat. As he found it I saw a funny expression on his face. I asked him what the rate was and if it was OK and he said "Yes, it's fine. I just don't like where I found it." Yes, our daughter was breech. This devastated me. I DID NOT want a c-section and after an ultrasound confirmed it, I broke down into tears. My mom was with me and assured me that it would be OK. I distinctly remember the doc asking me if I wanted to schedule it for the 10th, or wait until the 13th since he would be out of town that weekend. I decided to wait until Monday the 13th. And so I walked out of the doctor's office, calling Cody and bursting into tears as I told him I would be having her the following week...by c-section.
Saturday, August 11 started out strange. Nothing really out of the ordinary. Cody was mowing the lawn. I got to sleep in. But something wasn't right. My baby was too sleepy. In fact she was silent. No movement. I figured she was just tired, but after eating many things to try to stimulate her and still no movement, I became worried. I guess it's that mothers instinct. I knew something was wrong, but I wanted to live in denial. I will cut to the chase as writing about this is still very hard for me. I often forget how raw that hurt still is.
We went to labor and delivery and after not being able to find fetal heart tones on the monitors, our worst nightmare was confirmed by ultrasound. I still remember looking away from the ultrasound machine because I didn't want to see what I knew I was going to see. I remember the on-call doctor standing there and asking the tech, "Demise?" and the tech slowly nodded his head. I can tell you I was screaming louder than any woman on that labor and delivery floor. I was in shock. Nobody tells you that in 2007, you would carry your baby full term and lose her.
Cody was left to make the horrible phone calls to our family. I still remember calling my mom and just blurting out, "Mom, Brooke died." They put me in a labor room to give me time. Eventually they asked me how I wanted to deliver...continue with the planned c-section, or attempt an induced vaginal delivery. I was scared and I didn't want to see my daughter. If I saw her it would be real and I didn't want to deal with that. I chose a c-section...there was no talking me out of it (a decision I completely regret now). The doctor informed me that he had another patient he had to attend to and since there was no threat to me or my baby (obviously), the c-section would take place later that evening.
It's strange. In the midst of all of that activity, there was a peace that overwhelmed me. I had not been given any "drugs" yet, so I know that the next thing that happened did happen. The room was full of family and friends. I remember nurses talking to them...lots of crying, chattering. And there I was in my bed. I was looking out the window onto the lawn. There was a bunny hopping across the lawn. I was looking at those I loved in my room, and suddenly their voices were drowned out. The only voice I heard was, "BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD. I AM WITH YOU."
Brooke Mikayla Sandoval arrived at 8:24 PM on August 11, 2007. She was 6 lbs 3 oz, 19 in long. Even though she was silent, she was the most peaceful and beautiful little girl I had seen. I held her for 5 hours...not enough time. Call it morbid. I would think so. But that was my child. And I loved her...I still do.
Over the next couple of days my friends and family can tell you that there was a peace to me. I continued to hear the voice I heard in my delivery room. "I AM GOD. I AM WITH YOU." Looking back at my pregnancy, I can tell you that from the moment I found out I was pregnant with Brooke, I had a feeling that I was not going to bring her home. Not just a paranoid feeling. It was a deep feeling. I didn't wash any of her clothing I received at the baby shower. I didn't want to decorate a nursery for her. It was strange...
That was hands down the hardest experience I have ever been through. It was an absolute nightmare. But I am thankful for it. How can I say that? Because during a time when I wanted to crawl into a corner and die, God spoke to me. He promised me plans "for a hope and future." (Jer 29:11). He gave me Psalm 139 that showed me that he knew my inmost being...that he created me...and at the time, even more so that he created Brooke and that "all of my days ordained for me were written in your (His) book before one of them came to be." Talk about helping me overcome my guilt about not having her delivered on the 10th.
Two months later we moved to Arizona. Being in that house in California was too painful for me. It was hard to pick up and move from those I loved, but it was necessary. My marriage was strengthened, and each day I leaned on God. I was expectant. I wanted to hear from Him. I had found something I had never had before. Some of the bad habits I had prior to this experience disappeared in a flash. I was so excited to read His Word and find out what He had in store for me.
People ask me if I could go back and change that situation, would I? I can honestly answer "No." Oh it was hard. I'm not going to gloss over that. I will freely admit that I still have times when I cry in bed at night thinking about her and what I missed...especially since we have since had another little girl, Payslie. Most of her outfits were received at Brooke's baby shower, as were many of her toys. There are 3 little lambs she has...all were Brooke's originally. I try to ease the pain by rationalizing that they would have all been "hand me downs" anyways. It does really help.
But going back to my point. No, I wouldn't trade it. I grew. I have something now that I never had before. Am I perfect on my own? No. Do I make mistakes? Yes. Can I earn my salvation? No. Was God punishing me for my behavior in years before? No. I saw that God had a relationship with me even when I didn't want one with Him. I discovered that He had always been with me, even when I was walking the opposite way. I took tremendous comfort in knowing that Brooke never knows pain. A friend gave us a hand drawn portrait of Brooke in the arms of Jesus. It's absolutely beautiful and I have it hanging in our room. I don't think she knows how comforting that was. I know where she is, and I know where I'm going.
I'm not sure of the path I would be on had that not happened. It hurt, and at times (like when I write it out again), it still is. But I truly believe that God does work all things to come together for good (Romans 8:28). As time went on, I was able to move on. I made the choice to follow Him every day. I knew my life still had meaning. I was able to find a lot of joy in my life, and especially now I am so glad that I didn't crawl into a corner and die.
I don't have all the answers, but I know the One who does. It's not for me to know all of them. He is God and I am His. But I did find out that God does speak to me and when I open up my heart, I can hear from Him.
Why Am I Doing This?
So why am I starting a blog? It's funny what God puts on your heart. For some reason, over the last couple of weeks I have had a really strong urge to start a blog. Sort of like a devotional blog to share with others.
I kept a blog during my pregnancy with Payslie and even though she is 9 months old now, I frequently go back and read what I wrote during that time in my life. I say that I am going to eventually print all of those posts, place them in a book, and give it to her to read one day so that she will know exactly how much I love her. :)
Most of you who may read this know me. You may know me from the past or from the present. You may be a friend of the family or you may be family. Even if nobody really reads this, it's something that gives me a lot of fulfillment. Even though this is a "spiritual" blog, I want you all to know that anyone is welcome to read this. I'm a pretty raw person. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I always want to be seen as someone who is "real." As stated in the section "About Me", I believe in Jesus Christ and enjoy my relationship with my savior. Please don't make any presumptions based on that statement. I want to see others the way He sees me. I want to extend forgiveness and compassion to those who need it. Even to those who don't deserve it.
So I guess I can say that I don't really know where this is going. I got the title for this blog just simply from a thought that crosses my mind and I'm sure crosses the mind of most people, Christian or not. God, can I really hear from You? My purpose in this blog is not to spark debate or create confusion, but just to share. Enjoy.
I kept a blog during my pregnancy with Payslie and even though she is 9 months old now, I frequently go back and read what I wrote during that time in my life. I say that I am going to eventually print all of those posts, place them in a book, and give it to her to read one day so that she will know exactly how much I love her. :)
Most of you who may read this know me. You may know me from the past or from the present. You may be a friend of the family or you may be family. Even if nobody really reads this, it's something that gives me a lot of fulfillment. Even though this is a "spiritual" blog, I want you all to know that anyone is welcome to read this. I'm a pretty raw person. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I always want to be seen as someone who is "real." As stated in the section "About Me", I believe in Jesus Christ and enjoy my relationship with my savior. Please don't make any presumptions based on that statement. I want to see others the way He sees me. I want to extend forgiveness and compassion to those who need it. Even to those who don't deserve it.
So I guess I can say that I don't really know where this is going. I got the title for this blog just simply from a thought that crosses my mind and I'm sure crosses the mind of most people, Christian or not. God, can I really hear from You? My purpose in this blog is not to spark debate or create confusion, but just to share. Enjoy.
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