Where Am I Coming From?

I've always read about how important it is to put your "testimony" together. To be ready to share it with anyone at any given moment. I guess I've never really put it together, but I think it's important to share where I'm coming from so that you can get a better glimpse into who I am and why I believe what I believe.

I can tell you that I was raised in a Christian home. We attended church, but I have to admit I didn't really have a relationship with Christ. More like religion. By the time I became a teenager, I had decided that I wanted Christ in my life, but only when it was convenient and I definitely didn't want him to be Lord of my life. Those hard core Christians were so judgemental and they just didn't fit in. They were so not cool. I was into me, me, and more me.

It's strange reflecting on this subject and this time in my life. I have linked this blog to my Facebook account and I have to admit that everytime someone from high school asks to be my "friend", I think they're going to be in for a shock when they see my profile. I am definitely not the same girl I was at 16. I guess in all fairness I would hope that most of us aren't the same people we were at that age, but just the same, it's a little weird.

Anyways, I met my husband Cody when I was 19. We were set up on a blind date, and 3 years later we were married. Yes, I got married shortly before turning 22. We had our life planned out. We both had very nice jobs and a comfortable income. We payed down debt (student loans) and were planning to start our family in a couple of years. Cody bought a piece of property a year before and we planned to eventually build our home on it. We attended church, and while I outwardly stated that Christ was my Lord, in my heart, He was not.

3 months after our marriage we found out that I was pregnant. I was switching insurance plans and was off of the Pill for one month. I figured I had been on it so long that it would take awhile to get out of my system. Wrong. This was not a part of our plan, and while we were both initially shocked, the idea of becoming parents grew on us and we were so excited to find out that we were expecting a little girl.

My pregnancy was very normal. I did eat everything in sight and having an August due date made me swell up like a balloon, haha. I remember my due date very clearly. I was in the exam room and the doctor came in to check her heartbeat. As he found it I saw a funny expression on his face. I asked him what the rate was and if it was OK and he said "Yes, it's fine. I just don't like where I found it." Yes, our daughter was breech. This devastated me. I DID NOT want a c-section and after an ultrasound confirmed it, I broke down into tears. My mom was with me and assured me that it would be OK. I distinctly remember the doc asking me if I wanted to schedule it for the 10th, or wait until the 13th since he would be out of town that weekend. I decided to wait until Monday the 13th. And so I walked out of the doctor's office, calling Cody and bursting into tears as I told him I would be having her the following week...by c-section.

Saturday, August 11 started out strange. Nothing really out of the ordinary. Cody was mowing the lawn. I got to sleep in. But something wasn't right. My baby was too sleepy. In fact she was silent. No movement. I figured she was just tired, but after eating many things to try to stimulate her and still no movement, I became worried. I guess it's that mothers instinct. I knew something was wrong, but I wanted to live in denial. I will cut to the chase as writing about this is still very hard for me. I often forget how raw that hurt still is.

We went to labor and delivery and after not being able to find fetal heart tones on the monitors, our worst nightmare was confirmed by ultrasound. I still remember looking away from the ultrasound machine because I didn't want to see what I knew I was going to see. I remember the on-call doctor standing there and asking the tech, "Demise?" and the tech slowly nodded his head. I can tell you I was screaming louder than any woman on that labor and delivery floor. I was in shock. Nobody tells you that in 2007, you would carry your baby full term and lose her.

Cody was left to make the horrible phone calls to our family. I still remember calling my mom and just blurting out, "Mom, Brooke died." They put me in a labor room to give me time. Eventually they asked me how I wanted to deliver...continue with the planned c-section, or attempt an induced vaginal delivery. I was scared and I didn't want to see my daughter. If I saw her it would be real and I didn't want to deal with that. I chose a c-section...there was no talking me out of it (a decision I completely regret now). The doctor informed me that he had another patient he had to attend to and since there was no threat to me or my baby (obviously), the c-section would take place later that evening.

It's strange. In the midst of all of that activity, there was a peace that overwhelmed me. I had not been given any "drugs" yet, so I know that the next thing that happened did happen. The room was full of family and friends. I remember nurses talking to them...lots of crying, chattering. And there I was in my bed. I was looking out the window onto the lawn. There was a bunny hopping across the lawn. I was looking at those I loved in my room, and suddenly their voices were drowned out. The only voice I heard was, "BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD. I AM WITH YOU."

Brooke Mikayla Sandoval arrived at 8:24 PM on August 11, 2007. She was 6 lbs 3 oz, 19 in long. Even though she was silent, she was the most peaceful and beautiful little girl I had seen. I held her for 5 hours...not enough time. Call it morbid. I would think so. But that was my child. And I loved her...I still do.

Over the next couple of days my friends and family can tell you that there was a peace to me. I continued to hear the voice I heard in my delivery room. "I AM GOD. I AM WITH YOU." Looking back at my pregnancy, I can tell you that from the moment I found out I was pregnant with Brooke, I had a feeling that I was not going to bring her home. Not just a paranoid feeling. It was a deep feeling. I didn't wash any of her clothing I received at the baby shower. I didn't want to decorate a nursery for her. It was strange...

That was hands down the hardest experience I have ever been through. It was an absolute nightmare. But I am thankful for it. How can I say that? Because during a time when I wanted to crawl into a corner and die, God spoke to me. He promised me plans "for a hope and future." (Jer 29:11). He gave me Psalm 139 that showed me that he knew my inmost being...that he created me...and at the time, even more so that he created Brooke and that "all of my days ordained for me were written in your (His) book before one of them came to be." Talk about helping me overcome my guilt about not having her delivered on the 10th.

Two months later we moved to Arizona. Being in that house in California was too painful for me. It was hard to pick up and move from those I loved, but it was necessary. My marriage was strengthened, and each day I leaned on God. I was expectant. I wanted to hear from Him. I had found something I had never had before. Some of the bad habits I had prior to this experience disappeared in a flash. I was so excited to read His Word and find out what He had in store for me.

People ask me if I could go back and change that situation, would I? I can honestly answer "No." Oh it was hard. I'm not going to gloss over that. I will freely admit that I still have times when I cry in bed at night thinking about her and what I missed...especially since we have since had another little girl, Payslie. Most of her outfits were received at Brooke's baby shower, as were many of her toys. There are 3 little lambs she has...all were Brooke's originally. I try to ease the pain by rationalizing that they would have all been "hand me downs" anyways. It does really help.

But going back to my point. No, I wouldn't trade it. I grew. I have something now that I never had before. Am I perfect on my own? No. Do I make mistakes? Yes. Can I earn my salvation? No. Was God punishing me for my behavior in years before? No. I saw that God had a relationship with me even when I didn't want one with Him. I discovered that He had always been with me, even when I was walking the opposite way. I took tremendous comfort in knowing that Brooke never knows pain. A friend gave us a hand drawn portrait of Brooke in the arms of Jesus. It's absolutely beautiful and I have it hanging in our room. I don't think she knows how comforting that was. I know where she is, and I know where I'm going.

I'm not sure of the path I would be on had that not happened. It hurt, and at times (like when I write it out again), it still is. But I truly believe that God does work all things to come together for good (Romans 8:28). As time went on, I was able to move on. I made the choice to follow Him every day. I knew my life still had meaning. I was able to find a lot of joy in my life, and especially now I am so glad that I didn't crawl into a corner and die.

I don't have all the answers, but I know the One who does. It's not for me to know all of them. He is God and I am His. But I did find out that God does speak to me and when I open up my heart, I can hear from Him.